A one time choice? I'd choose to release the weight of overthinking.. LOH #243

Howdy Ladies of Hive and all participating in this contest. I hope you're all well. I'm excited to share my entry for Contest #243; Welcome all.

2️⃣ Everyone has something that they'd like to change about themselves. It might be a physical thing; a character trait; or anything at all. What is the ONE thing you would choose to change about yourself and why?

Overthinking! Overthinking! Overthinking! How many times have I called you, huh? You are my most weighted characteristic. You weigh more than my current body weight which, according to BMI, it's overweight.

Overthinking has been a major source of uncertainity for me, especially when it comes to love and self-worth. It's the one thing that touches every part of my life. Because of it, I get so caught up in my head trying to read in between the lines, you know, overanalyzing situations and relationships, leaving me to blame myself if it doesn't work.

I always seek answers, clarity, signs, and when I don't get them, I resolve to fill in the gaps myself. I don't even think I am any ready for a relatioship; I am afraid I might crush it. Maybe something I'll say or fail to say in time? Maybe something I'll do or won't do? Overthinking has robbed me off my joy. How can I experience joy if the "what ifs" have not settled? I have tried to fix situations that were not mine to fix. God knows how many times I have doubted my intuition when overanalyzing, even when it's screaming the truth.

My overthinking has made me stay longer than needed with people who breadcrumb me, trying to fix things. Maybe if I do this, he will change.. Maybe, if I were more submissive, things would be easier... even though deep down, I know I'm assertive by nature.

Here's a short story of my overthinking at play: 

There's this guy I met on a dating app. He was in all aspects a decent gentleman, he's one of those guys who won't spam your inbox with nudes or even ask for explicit pictures from you. For that, we clicked and soon we changed platforms. He however, said he was not ready to commmit and yeah I was cool with that. Furthermore, I was not ready to introduce my baby to him or no man at all. Oh, did I mention that he helped me with my weightloss journey? Yes, he covered my gym membership for a whole 6 months. If I were asked, I would definately say he was my muse.

I know you can guess that it was not going to end with a happy ever after. And yeah, he soon found his perfect match. I knew, right from the beginning it was a no but here I was overplaying our conversations. What did I do wrong? Was it my weight? Or was it because I am a mom? Did he ever like me even a little bit? Why did he have to choose he and not me? Was I not good enough to make him commit?.... For months, I tried to find the answers, breaking my heart over and over again. And for what? A title I knew from the beginning wasn't mine? Yet my mind wouldn't rest until I gave it an answer..

So yeah, if I were given ONE opportunity, say right now, to change one thing about me, I'd kick overthinking to the curb.

This is my first post in the Ladies of Hive community.

Thank you for reading.

Images used are mine.