Silent struggles - LOH #262

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Recently, I was at the headquarters, and I bumped into a colleague. She couldn't recognize me at first, as she thought I was a new employee lol.

The thing is, she said I looked really different from before. "I looked better and really beautiful," were her exact words, and when I asked her why the unusual compliments, she started confessing.

According to her, when I first started working, I didn't have the best appearance, as I wore the worst sets of clothing and footwear. At one point they had to report me to HR, and I remember being summoned. I can't quite remember my excuse then, but I did try to dress better.

I also remember some time ago Abenad wrote about functional depression, where one is active amidst mental crisis. You see, I have had a fair share and I never did know I was depressed until an aunt spotted it the last time we had a family get-together. According to my aunt, she could tell from the darker shades of my clothing and it's wrong combinations.

Basically, Abenad's post, my aunt and the encounter with my colleague opened my eyes to a whole lot about me. I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all rule, but I have come to realize that the first sign of mental distress shows in my appearance and my choice of clothing.

Currently, the moment I start dressing like a homeless hobo with tattered hair, I am retracing my steps to ascertain when things went south so I can make the necessary corrections. With this practice I have been able to ascertain a prominent trigger in the guise of selflessness.

You know, mental distress becomes easy to handle when you get to just battle with your own problems and not someone else's.

A couple of times in the past, I have been so engrossed in being available for other people that my needs became secondary. Thus, it became clear why I unknowingly resorted to expressing my feelings in dress style.

At the time that my colleague was referring to, it was the overwhelming task of being a nursing mom and working by the side that deprived me of self-care. In other instances it was being an unpaid therapist to my friends, and trust me, dealing with and processing people's emotions for them could be draining.

In the end, I noticed that there was little or no time to process my own emotions, and to cope, it was me living on autopilot putting on anything that could cover me up. With the darker shades of clothing, I realized that they do not just match my low energy, but I also do not have to deal with decision fatigue, as these darker shades become easy to match.

Having identified the root causes, I sourced for help with motherhood, and I became less selfless and more selfish. Right now I try to be available for other people in my highest of energies. What the aforementioned has given me so far is a clearer mindset.