Women of No Compass? | LOH #251

We talk a lot about values - finding the right ones, respecting each other's, and yet you'll find, often, when challenged by questions like "do the people in my life share my values?", we'll come up a little stumped to define what they are. Not how or if they reflect in the company that we keep, but even what they signify just in the privacy of our own minds.

And more broadly, what are values? A brief online search suggests love and truth as common "values", except neither seems to me as a good core principle to base your life (or the people you befriend) on. Love is something that exists, often in a skewed form, even in the lives of monsters. It's tempting to assume people who hurt people exist in a complete absence of love, but that is often not the case. So then, is it right to align yourself with such people based on this shared reverence for "love" as a core value?

And what about truth, which is by its definition subjective? While I can structure my life guided by "truth", it will only ever be a subjective, personal truth which (for one) might not align with somebody else's (and does that make them bad people?), and also might prove deeply deluded and lead me down a disastrous path. Tricky question, this values thing.

Integrity

For me, integrity seems like a better overall compass. For one thing, I struggle to conceptualize a life of integrity that lacks honesty or compassion or love or truth. It seems a more encompassing value.

To me, integrity suggests self-compassion and self-respect. It means understanding and honoring your own boundaries and learning to stand guard and stand up for yourself. It also means building loving, kind relationships with others. It means remaining honest, and not perverting your aim with lies. Means following your truth, and living each day as best as you know how at that given moment. It means not bulshitting yourself, even if it's hurtful to live in honesty.

Freedom

Paramount. A non-negotiable, especially in a post-pandemic world. If there's one thing the past five years have shown us, it's the terrifying repercussions of denying or impinging on personal freedom, because therein lurks tyranny.

Freedom, to me, as a guiding value means standing up for things regardless if they align with your personal truth. It's pursuing for yourself a life free of coercion or subjugation to malevolence or ignorance.

It's also recognizing that you have a right to exist, to decency, respect, and compassion, even when in conflict. Even when in the wrong (provided you're not hurting others, naturally). Might seem obvious, but is actually very difficult for many people. It can be a powerful realization, accepting that yes, your feelings and your thoughts and your actions have their own validity, that you don't need to earn the right to be loved, accepted, or awarded basic respect.

Good

Few ideas have been more impactful for me than Jordan Peterson's concept of "aiming towards the highest good". This does not translate to being a kind person, mind. In fact, it can often make you seem quite unkind.

Generally, aiming towards the highest good, bringing your best to the table (and not offering your second best to that which is divine in you and in the world) means living your life in accordance to truth, to honesty, to freedom, compassion, love, independence, decency and respect.

We are often presented with choices we don't recognize. We assume they'll always come in clearly marked signs in the forest, visibly diverging paths, but not always. Willingly wasting your time, dumbing yourself down, making yourself small to fit a certain space or company, or engaging in maladaptive or toxic behavior, no matter how harmless they may seem in the moment, are all choices that lead us to Hell.

I try not to do that. I try to aim towards the highest good I can imagine for myself, which is, in many ways, tied to the way you want your life to turn out. It's asking "is this behavior or action contributing towards that vision or hindering it"? And it can be grand big things like longing for a life of artistic expression and refusing to leave the stability of a dead-end job (if leaving is an option for you). Or it can be something seemingly small, like am I expressing myself in a healthy, constructive manner in this argument or attempting to injure and destroy?

Alas, as my good friend @ericvancewalton has often pointed out in our discussions, the people you spend most of your time with play an incredibly profound role in shaping who you become. As such, a guiding value in my opinion ought to be aiming upwards. Beware, it might not always look the way you expect, and that's tremendously problematic at times. It's also challenging because to an extent, it asks you to try and identify the highest good another person could be aiming towards. But generally, to a certain extent, we know. And pursuing relationships with people who are angling their aim towards the bottom will inevitably drag us down, also.

If I had to choose between these three, I would say this last one, this aiming towards the highest imaginable good, is the one I struggle most with. We unfortunately are complex creatures built on various maladaptive patterns, coping mechanisms, toxic behaviors and tendencies. If nothing else, we struggle continuously with the unintegrated darkness that resides within us all, and which makes aiming towards the high and the good sometimes problematic.

But the bottom line is, I am trying. I realize I'm tremendously fortunate. I struggle with these things at 26, but I could just as easily be 62, and looking backwards. They are difficult to implement, at any age, but I would say it's not a bad view from this age, and feel quite hopeful about the future.

What about you? If this post made you pensive, consider contributing to this week's Ladies of Hive initiative. I don't know how she does it, but @trucklife-family always asks the most exciting questions.