Ficción: El Fantasma del tío Paco/Fiction: Uncle Paco's Ghost-[EN/ES]
Hola amigos espero se encuentren bien, hoy vengo a participar en The Inkwell Combined Writing Prompt #15 ~ Fiction or Creative Nonfiction de The Ink Well , espero les guste mi relato.
Hello friends, I hope you are well. Today I am here to participate in The Inkwell Combined Writing Prompt #15 ~ Fiction or Creative Nonfiction of The Ink Well, I hope you like my story.
...Español...
En medio de la oscuridad, cubierta de una densa neblina, Lucía a pasos lentos caminaba Lucía, « ¿Habré hecho bien, en volver? », se preguntó. Mientras dejaba caer la vieja maleta marrón, se detuvo a mirar la vieja cabaña, de madera desteñida y vidrios rotos en las ventanas; Hace más de 20 años se había marchado, con la intención de nunca más volver, pero el destino tenía otros planes para ella. Su madre enfermo, obligándola a vender el apartamento y su automóvil, hasta el empleo perdió.
Allí estaba Lucia, en esa casa vieja que le traía amargos recuerdos, donde su padre dio su último suspiro, despacio abrió la puerta, intento encender el bombillo, pero no encendió, saco el celular e ilumino con la lámpara; Observo detalladamente a su alrededor, todo estaba igual como lo recordaba, solo faltaban papá y mamá, despacio se dejó caer en el mueble, una lagrima gruesa rodo por su mejilla hasta caer en su pierna, su sumergió en sus pensamientos, trasladándose a un día de esos, donde feliz disfrutaba de una cena familiar, hasta que un fuerte golpe en la puerta la hizo volver en sí.
Tardo unos minutos en levantarse, pero seguían tocando más fuerte, abrió de golpe la puerta y allí estaba un señor de baja estatura, si mucho pelo en la cabeza y esbozando una sonrisa, que dejaba ver que le faltaban algunos dientes; ―Hola, Lucía, dijo mirándola a la cara, ella no había respondido el saludo, cuando ya él, la estaba abrazando.
―No me recuerdas, soy Paco.
― ¿Mi tío Paco?, preguntó Lucia, extrañada
―Sí, tu tío Paco.
En aquel momento recordó, que hace algún tiempo habían recibido la noticia de que Paco había desaparecido, por eso se extrañaba de verlo allí; Aquel hombre sin pedir permiso, la aparto y paso al interior de la vivienda.
―Estas a oscura, ya lo arreglo, dijo y se dirigió al fondo de la cocina, fue directo a un cajetín, subió unos breaker y tas, llego la electricidad, todo la casa se ilumino en un instaste.
― ¿De verdad eres el tío Paco?, le preguntó
Aunque parecía sincero al responder, Lucía dudaba de su respuesta, aquel hombre era exacto a su tío, pero se veía muy joven, eran más de 20 años sin verlo, debería estar envejecido y solo estaba un poco calvo y con la dentadura incompleta.
Por un rato conversaron, hasta que el hombre se despidió, Lucia lo acompaño hasta la puerta y lo observo marcharse, dirigió la mirada al cielo la luna apenas se distaba a través de la neblina, la visión era difusa, al punto hacía que las sombras de los árboles sin hojas, parecieran largos brazos elevados al cielo, hasta le pareció ver la figura de una persona flotando rápidamente en el cielo; Estrujo sus ojos y se dijo a sí misma «No es nada, es solo tu imaginación »,
Lucia estaba cansada y decidió que era un buen momento para dormir, se quedó en el mueble de la sala, el sueño llegó pronto y con pesadillas; Se despertó sobresaltada, se asustó un poco, se calmó y de nuevo se durmió, despertó con los primeros rayos del sol, entro a la habitación, estaba llena de polvo e invadida por telarañas, se puso a ordenar y limpiar, el estómago empezó a rugirle, recordándole que no había comido nada y decidió salir a comprar algunos víveres.
El pueblo estaba tal cual como ella lo recordaba, las mismas calles, enormes árboles en la plaza y la iglesia con sus ventanas alargadas; Ella camino hasta llegar a un pequeño mercado, allí compró, decidió llevar pan, porque no se había percatado del funcionamiento del suministro de gas, ninguna cara se le hizo familiar, con un par de bolsas en las manos regreso a casa, preparo unos sándwich y se sentó a comer, la vieja televisión aún funcionaba, la encendió, solo para oírla, pues estaba en el celular.
Después de un rato se levantó y ordeno un poco, la estufa estaba en mal estado, pero encendía perfectamente, el refrigerador, estaba dañado. «Tendré que repararlo», pensó; Contaba con poco presupuesto, aún no tenía claro que empleo conseguiría para mantenerse, mientras tanto seguiría brindando algunas asesoría online; La tarde transcurrió rápido, el sol se metió y llegó la noche, cuando Lucia se disponía a leer un libro, escucho un toc - toc, miro por la ventana y allí estaba de nuevo Paco, se levantó, abrió la puerta y le invito a pasar.
Algo en él, le causaba desconfianza, sin embargo le atendió con amabilidad y le brindó una taza de café, al poco rato el hombre se despidió y se retiró con una sonrisa; La mujer se fue a dormir, al día siguiente se levantó muy temprano y se fue al cementerio, quería visitar la tumba de su padre.
El cementerio quedaba a pocas cuadras de la casa, por lo que no tardó mucho en llegar, le preguntó al celador por la tumba de su padre y este le indicó donde quedaba, camino por estrechas veredas, hasta llegar al árbol que le indicó el celador, como él dijo, la primera tumba era la de su padre, rápido la ubico por la vieja foto que estaba en el muro, la cual era similar a la que su madre guardaba en el cajón de la mesita de noche y que ahora estaba en el álbum familiar; Sitió curiosidad y se acercó a cada una de las tumbas, al llegar a la última, su corazón se aceleró, sus rostro palideció y un escalofrió recorrió todo su cuerpo.
La fotografía del muro, era nada más y nada menos que de su tío Paco, en su pensamiento Lucía leyó: «Aquí Yace Francisco Montoya (Paco) », no podía articular palabra alguna, cuando volvió en sí, se fue de aquel lugar sin mirar atrás, solo la idea de haber hablado con un muerto, le hacía temblar, llego a su casa y sin pensarlo mucho, hizo maletas, tomo el primer autobús que la sacará de allí y huyendo se fue, ahora si para más nunca volver.
...English...
In the middle of the darkness,
covered with a dense fog, Lucia walked slowly Lucia, "Have I done well to return? "she asked herself. As she dropped the old brown suitcase, she stopped to look at the
old cabin, with faded wood and broken glass in the windows; more than 20 years ago she had left, with the intention of never coming back, but the destiny had other plans for her. Her mother fell ill, forcing her to sell the apartment and her car, she even lost her job.
There was Lucia, in that old house that brought her bitter
memories, where her father gave his last breath, slowly opened the door,
tried to turn on the light bulb, but it did not light, took out the cell phone and illuminated with the lamp; She observed in detail around her, everything was the same as she remembered it, only mom and dad were missing, slowly she let herself fall on the furniture, a
thick tear rolled down her cheek until it fell on her leg, she immersed herself in her
thoughts, moving to one of those days, where she was happily enjoying a
family dinner, until a loud knock on the door made her come to her senses.
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
It took her a few minutes to get up, but they kept knocking more
loud, she opened the door and there was a man of short stature, if
much hair on his head and sketching a smile, which showed that he was missing
some teeth; -Hello, Lucia, he said looking at her face, she had not
answered the greeting, when he was already hugging her.
You don't remember me, I'm Paco.
- My uncle Paco? asked Lucia, surprised
- Yes, your uncle Paco.
At that moment she remembered that some time ago they had received the news that Paco had disappeared, that's why she was surprised to see him there; that man, without asking for permission, took her aside and went inside the house.
-You are in the dark, I'll fix it," he said and went to the back of the kitchen, went straight to a box, raised some breakers and tas, the electricity came on, the whole house was lit up in an instant.
- Are you really uncle Paco?, asked
Although he seemed sincere when answering, Lucia doubted his answer, that man was exactly like his uncle, but he looked very young, it was more than 20 years without seeing him, he should be old and he was only a little bald and with incomplete teeth.
For a while they talked, until the man said goodbye, Lucia accompanied him to the door and watched him leave, she looked at the sky, the moon was barely distant through the fog, the vision was diffuse, to the point that the shadows of the trees without leaves, seemed like long arms raised to the sky, she even seemed to see the figure of a person floating quickly in the sky; she squeezed her eyes and said to herself “It's nothing, it's just your imagination”,
Lucia was tired and decided it was a good time to sleep, she stayed in the living room furniture, sleep came soon and with nightmares; She woke up startled, she was a little scared, she calmed down and fell asleep again, she woke up with the first rays of the sun, she entered the room, it was full of dust and invaded by cobwebs, she started to order and clean, her stomach began to growl, reminding her that she had not eaten anything and she decided to go out to buy some groceries.
The town was just as she remembered it, the same streets, huge trees in the square and the church with its elongated windows; she walked until she reached a small market, there she shopped, she decided to bring bread, because she had not noticed the gas supply working, no face was familiar to her, with a couple of bags in her hands she returned home, prepared some sandwiches and sat down to eat, the old television was still working, she turned it on, just to hear it, because it was on the cell phone.
After a while he got up and tidied up a bit, the stove was in bad shape, but it turned on perfectly, the refrigerator, was damaged. «I will have to repair it”, she thought; she had little budget, it was still not clear what job she would get to support herself, meanwhile she would continue giving some online advice; The afternoon passed quickly, the sun went down and the night came, when Lucia was about to read a book, she heard a knock - knock, she looked out the window and there was Paco again, she got up, opened the door and looked at the window and saw that Paco was there again, she got up, she opened the door, she opened the door, she looked at the window and saw that Paco was there again.
Something about him made her distrustful, however, he served her with kindness and offered her a cup of coffee, after a while the man said goodbye and left with a smile; the woman went to sleep, the next day she got up very early and went to the cemetery, she wanted to visit her father's grave.
The cemetery was a few blocks from the house, so it did not take her long to get there, she asked the caretaker for her father's grave and he told her where it was, she walked along narrow sidewalks, until she reached the tree that the caretaker indicated, as he said, the first grave was her father's, she quickly located it by the old photo that was on the wall, which was similar to the one her mother kept in the drawer of the bedside table and that was now in the family album; She became curious and approached each of the tombs, as she reached the last one, her heart skipped a beat, her face paled and a shiver ran through her body.
The photograph on the wall, was nothing more and nothing less than her uncle Paco, in her thoughts Lucia read: “Here lies Francisco Montoya (Paco)”, she could not articulate any word, when she came to her senses, she left that place without looking back, just the idea of having talked to a dead man, made her tremble, she arrived home and without thinking much, she packed her bags, took the first bus that would take her out of there and fled, now she left, never to return.
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Lucia's grief quietly shapes this story and leads it to its restrained and effective ending. Two simple things would strengthen this piece considerably: Firstly, a more subtle story title that doesn't give away the end of the story 😉 and, secondly, an edt in Google Docs or Grammarly of your original native language version so that the English translation reads as well as it can. Also, bear in mind that translations from Spanish to English should still be perused to identify common translation issues around dialogue speech marks and gender switching of characters, both of which are present in your piece.There is also a short section where you repeat the same phrase/sentence 3 times over in the English version. Overall, I enjoyed this read. It had a lot of potential.
Gracias, tomare en cuenta tus sugerencias para mejorar futuros relatos!
A very entertaining story to read, with a surprising ending that gives the story a twist. A touch of horror in the drama—a good combination.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Excellent Saturday.
I wonder if Lucia would have the courage to go back to the house after her eerie encounter with what is supposed to be the ghost of her uncle. And it seems if the person in that grave is her uncle then her dad is still alive? I guess that might make her to start a search to see if her father is still alive.
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